Wednesday 30 December 2015

Wonder - R.J. Palacio (Book Review)



"Shit, this is one good book!" is what I thought to myself all throughout this book. It's so good, so so good. It's indescribable. It's a wonder.


I want to be selfish, to not recommend this book to people who don't appreciate books and the art of it. Because I want people to feel what I've felt, and experience what it has done to me. I've lost count of how many times I cried reading this great piece (it's my first time crying because of a book, mind you.) because it was just so terribly tragic, but strong, full of heart and humor and inspiring all at the same time.


It was so real. The way things are described, the way conversations went, the way things happen and days passed and time flew and I felt like I was there with August every second of it. I had this urge to reach out (or in) to lend Auggie a hand, and maybe somehow make his day a little better.


Okay, point is, it's a great great book and it's one you'd sympathize with. R. J. Palacio did an epic job, so out of the box, so real, so on point with the feelings.


So who's August? Who's Auggie? Who's him?
ps: I'll try to minimize the spoilers, because trust me you'll want to read the book first.


August Pullman, nicknamed Auggie, is a boy who's suffering from a facial anomaly and that makes him an outsider to everyone else. He has never been to an actual school before, but his parents decides to enroll him into one because they think it's the best for him. Of course, without a doubt, being different physically calls for bullying in just about any middle school these days. So this story is about his days in middle school in a span of one school year, and how he adapts to the people there and also how the people there adapt to his existence.


It's so great because it shows how people are, the nature of us as humans. Even the nicest ones.
The way events unfolded so realistically it's hard to believe this is just pure fiction (maybe it's not) because hey, this can happen to any Auggie out there.


Gosh, I can't say more. I'm so bad at explaining things. My mind is tongue-tied.


It's a ten out of ten.


“The things we do outlast our mortality. The things we do are like monuments that people build to honor heroes after they've died. They're like the pyramids that the Egyptians built to honor the pharaohs. Only instead of being made of stone, they're made out of the memories people have of you.” 

if it really was all random, the universe would abandon us completely. and the universe doesn't. it takes care of its most fragile creations in ways we can't see.” 

the universe takes care of all its birds.” 

“It's what you've done with your time, how you've chosen to spend your days, and whom you've touched this year. That, to me, is the greatest measure of success.” 

“Its not a contest about whose days suck the most. The point is we all have to put up with the bad days.” 

“Sometimes I think my head is so big because it is so full of dreams.” 


Happy reading!
Love, C.

Sunday 27 December 2015

Christmas, hitting the 2015 slate and resolutions.


Dec 24.
Christmas Eve and I'm not home.
I miss home, I miss my people.
Taiwan's great, not to be mistaken.
I tend to get homesick easily, guess that's a good thing?


Dec 25.
Back home on Christmas morning, feels so good.


Christmas was joy in the simplest way. Tea with friends, dinner with family. We don't share presents, but aunt got me some. She always get us presents.

I think when you really want the year to end, it ends slowly but when it really passes you'll come to find that time flies faster than ever. Don't you think?

Hmm, 2015. Except for crazy shit-just-got-real moments, nothing big happened. I guess, like everyone else, I didn't have the liberty of time to play this year. Everything about 2015 has been said thousands of times over on my blog. I don't know how to summarize, really. I've been ready for graduation one year earlier, and maybe it was too early, because when the time came I took it just like that. I let go a long time ago. Now everyone's going separate ways, some are already overseas, some are already planning to go overseas, some are starting to fill college applications, everyone's hustling.


Me? I haven't figured anything out yet. Everything will fall into place, I believe.


Ohh wow, resolutions. I forgot what I wrote for this year, I forgot what I've virtually crossed out. I doubt I've achieved anything. It's funny because I feel a lot more lost than I've ever been this year. My brains fuzzy, a lot of loose screws. This holiday will screw them back, I suppose.


What I want for in 2016, is simple. It's a very run-of-the-mill list, but simplicity rules all. Safety, health, happiness and joy. To me, my family, and friends. Simple.


Admittedly also, skills which I am working on, and a great college life and future ahead.


This is all I wish for. I need a positive mind!


Merry Christmas, and a great new year ahead! 
Love, C.

Sunday 13 December 2015

Brushing off more cobwebs.



From Prom Night.
I love my dress, loveeeee it.
I'm so bad at solo shots, my legs and hands are always so awkward.
That's why I have this photo, with two of my good friends.
It's so saturated, I know.
But it's okay.


I've been so busy.
I don't know why I'm so busy.
Finally found some time to settle down.
I haven't really settle down yet, to be honest.
This holiday is going to be super productive, I know it.


I've got so much plans up my sleeves, it's starting to feel like a chore.
I need more time.
But it's all good.
I'm expanding my skills.
My friends all are looking for part-time jobs.
I don't want to.
I want to learn, as much as I can.
Call it "prepping for college" as you will.
When you see someone so talented, it hurts.
I haven't had the opportunity to figure out my talents.
Mom and dad didn't want to send me to classes.
I remember I wanted to learn piano, but dad didn't let me.
I wanted to learn so much.
Music, dancing, art.
I've grown up with empty hands.
Now is the time, for me understand myself better.
And at least try to do something significant.
I want to learn, I want to sweep my interests all in one hand.
Understand them, and to the very least, try to master them.


There is always the contrary side,
I used to sit around and watch series after series of Korean shows,
or maybe YouTube, snoop every nook and cranny for some good music.
That's my form of relaxation.
Now I'm constantly like "Wait, I need to learn this first."
"Wait till I finish this."
Too many things to do.
I think I need to get used to it.
I'm not hating it or anything.
It's great actually.
It's just something different from my usual routine.
I'm in for something big, after all.


Aside from that, I'm going to Taiwan!
We've been planning this trip for a year now, and it's happening!
I'm really excited!
This trip marks my first time travelling with friends.
What I really want to do is go shopping, lol.
#whateverygirlwants


Once I come back it's going to be Christmas!
Christmas is never like Christmas anymore.
I miss the old Christmas times.
Now everyone is so disconnected.
Technology killed the vibe.
Everything is so online now.
It doesn't feel exciting anymore because everyone is too prepared.
When the actual time comes everyone is like mehhhh.


I'm gonna download some podcasts from JKNews for my flight.
Best news channel ever!
And some new albums to check out!

Till next time, stay jolly.
Love, C.

Friday 4 December 2015

Brushing off cobwebs

1. I have finally graduated from high school. The weight off my shoulders is a huge relief. I'm still taking it little by little day by day, and I'm really enjoying the "do-nothing" days.

2. I'm in love with Avicii *raises hand fangirl here*. He's a beautiful person, I perceive. He makes great music, he's talented, looks hawt af and when he smiles *melts* Check out the video below. I melted so hard.



I downloaded his Stories album past two weeks ago and I've been replaying it over and over again since then. It's genuine, nongeneric gold. Trust me, I'm not being biased here.

3. Martin Garrix is 19. What am I doing with my life. Damn. 

lol just kidding I love my life


This week has been crazy. I had to clean my room, shop for supplies for my upcoming class trip, and also grab some makeup for prom. AND I also need to shed some fat (seems like I've heard this 10000 times before)

It's hectic but it's a great kind of hectic because I feel like I'm a part of something big, like something grand is about to go down. Plus, I don't rush because I don't need to prioritize and commit to school work anymore, I can do things slow without abstaining myself.

I have a feeling that this holiday is going to be amazing. 
So much plans I can't keep up! 
Lots and lots of love, C.


Tuesday 1 December 2015

#np: December's Playlist

December is here! The last of 2015. A lot of post-exam plans going on I'm so hyped! Okay I'll talk about it in another post. I'm super in love with Avicii btw ;)

Gone - MGK ft. Leroy Sanchez


Trouble - Avicii


Light It Up - Major Lazer ft. Nyla


Renegades - X Ambassadors


A Small Part of You - Parade of Lights


Ordinary Love - Park Kyung ft. Park Bo Ram


晴天 - 刘瑞琦


I'm really loving EDM this month, albeit this playlist doesn't have much EDM. I'm replaying Avicii's Stories album over and over again. It's just too good. It's hard to choose which song I wanted to put up here but I really love Trouble's lyrics so here it is. ;) But all the other songs are really good too!

That's about it for the post. I'll talk more (and more) about my plans and basically everything about my life lololol. ps: I'll rant more about Avicii. He's the best!

Thursday 5 November 2015

#np: November's Playlist

Can you believe it's November already?!! Damn, I need to piece up 2015 together before I can write a post to conclude the year. Also, resolutions. Resolutions for a lot of new beginnings to 2016.

Also, also, *drumrolls* the mothership of all exams has landed. I've just finished the first week of my SPM and I've never felt so happy in my life. lol mainly because I never have to study History again. #sorrynotsorry Plus trust me, I won't talk about exams anymore. I've been talking about them for the whole year I think it's about time I stop.

Okay, I'll continue my musings in another post.

Some new songs. Some hidden gems.



Runaway - Aurora


Gosh I love her live performances. She sounds exactly like the track!

Ghosts - BANNERS


如果我们再相遇 - 王笠人


Into this drama lately, hehehe. Search for it 致,第三者

I Found - Amber Run


The Judge - Twenty One Pilots


Here - Alessia Cara


#thisissome, literally,

Parachute - Code Kunst ft. Oh Hyuk & Dok2


It's so great that I get to discover so many new artists in one day. You know when the discover list on Spotify or the recommended list on Youtube keeps showing variations of the same thing? I want new, new, new! 

Anyway, hope you enjoy! Let's kick it! 
Have a great year end! Can't wait for my trip to Taiwan!

Love, C.


Sunday 25 October 2015

Keep Holding On.

Photo credits: Tumblr

I was browsing through the Youtube comments because the video was taking forever to load. Someone posted that he(or she) wanted to take his life because he doesn't have friends, he gets bullied in school and he's 16.


I was also depressed at 16, not because of bullying but I ODed on the overthinking pill. I don't think suicide and depression is something to be taken lightly, even if it's frequent (which is a bad thing).


Insecurities can kill, I know, but learning to handle them can be a great weapon. We all have demons right? If you can learn to control them, they can bring out the best in you. That boy, he's bullied and that makes him insecure. Bullies, are cowards. Period. They pick on others just to make themselves feel better. My best friend once told me that people tease you just to see how you react to them. If you don't give a damn, they will stop. By not giving a damn, you have to love yourself, hang out with the right crowd, find a niche, find your passion, and just do what you do.


Emotional strength is not given by birth. Parents can't teach their kids that, trust me. "You won't find yourself by looking in the mirror." You need to fall so hard it breaks your bones, and cry and cry for nights before you stand up and realize you're sick of this shit. One day you'll learn to fight for yourself, you'll find yourself and you'll love yourself. That's the biggest surprise your future can ever give you. Your stories, be proud of them. Don't let others dim your sparkle, don't let others spend your pride. 


My teacher came into the class and he told us a story about a guy who got bad grades but went on and made a name for himself later on in the future. Cliche, but inspiring. He said "Whatever you get now, whatever you're going through now, it will not kill you." I'm like "Yeah, it will not kill me." 


It certainly won't kill that boy. I hope he stays strong, and go through it. Push, keep pushing. The worst and the best is yet to come. 


Keep going, 
Love, C.

Sunday 18 October 2015

Myself, college and everything in between.


Photo credits: Tumblr

Run the extra mile, keep it slim so they like you. Do they like you?


This line resonates in my chest for quite a while now.
Sometimes I feel so vulnerable, I mean being vulnerable is okay.
It's perfectly fine.
But don't be desperate, never be desperate for something.
You can be hungry, but never too desperate.
There's a difference, dig into it.


Anyway, I know the song sends a powerful positive message to not only women, 
but men also out there.
I just feel like I keep trying, and trying, and failing, and trying again but sometimes I ask myself exactly the same thing. Do they like you?
I know people don't hate me, I mean my friends know who I am and embrace me for that.
If there are haters, my friends will always outshine them.


We all want priority right? I mean who am I kidding, I am at this age.
I can't always be that "over matured" girl.
Sometimes I need to be a little selfish, a little childish and a little sensitive.
Obliviously or otherwise.
Talking about maturity, one day I'll grow up and be like "What?! Gurl you got it all wrong. Welcome to the real world now." 
or maybe not. We'll see. I am excited.


Priority, I know it's not important.
Plus, it's not healthy to want it bad.
It's normal to want it.
And that's the selfish side of me, which is completely normal.
For all of us.


Moving on, college.
College cannot save me, I need to save me.
I keep telling myself this.
It's not like I need help.
I am fine, just need to touch up on some things.
I need to browse through what I've learned and really learn from it.
Make me a better person.
I want to be a better person, meet better people in college.
Not that the people now are not good.
I mean they're the best. 
I'm so scared I won't meet people like them in college.
That's like the only thing I'm scared about.
College doesn't intimidate me, I just need the right people with me.
I guess you can't be too prepared and too cautious for college.
I know it's unpredictable, but it's going to be one hell of a roller-coaster ride.
I'm gonna love it, hopefully.


I just hope that I won't be brainwashed.
I hope I won't change who I am, either on a natural course or forced by circumstances.
I mean, I want to be able to go through a hard day and come out still being me.
It's not hard being me, I've learned to take control of myself.
I need to take control of what controls me.
You can't always be in control.
You will lose yourself once in a while.
But I will choose what to lose myself in, and what not to.
This is something I need to do.
For myself, for my safety also.
Because mom and dad doesn't come in the picture anymore.
We're going to be miles away.
Brother is nearer but also miles away.
At least I have a brother, that calms me a lot.


I don't want to keep being in a box.
I've been in an air bubble for so long, I want to breathe fresh air.
I want to try new things, generate new ideas.
I want to do things I've never done before.
Legal ones of course. lol
I have big dreams, I said that a lot.
My bucket list, wow.
Will I be able to achieve that?
I want to achieve that, that's my goal.


I will take the driving exams next January I think. 
Not in a hurry.
That's a bit of a lie.
Seeing my friends drive, of course I'll play the jealous card.
But transportation was never really my problem.
Rarely.
Why do I want to drive?
I want to like call my bestie and say "Hey get ready I'll pick you up"
And turn into his house 10 minutes later.
Then we'll go have lots of desserts because we LOVE desserts.
I also want to drive to the mart, because sometimes I'm so hungry and mom doesn't
want to drive out even though it's like a minute away.
It's okay. I don't blame her, she's tired. 
We wear the same shoes. #likeaboss
Just different sizes.
I try her size sometimes, too much to handle.
Respect.


So much to look forward to.
All is well.
Stay well.
Love, C.

Friday 16 October 2015

Seashells.

Photo credits: Tumblr


People are like seashells. Seashells in general, are beautiful things, they are all different, some more than others but all stand out in their distinct ways. Sometimes you pick up a golden one, but it's broken and chipped around the sides. Sometimes you pick up just fragments of it but still keep it anyway.

The world is my ocean. With thousands of shells uncovered beneath the ever-changing tides, someone will come along. Someone will push through furious waters to settle beneath my feet. He will nuzzle against my bare skin and I will pick him up. I will cherish, even just a tiny fragment that's left of him. I will mend him, and make him feel whole again.

I hold on my hope, that I shall become a seashell in someone's world. I shall be picked up and fixed and loved and feel whole again.

We are humans, humans like seashells. 
We are of loud confidence. 
We are of prominent presence. 

We are of soft spoken beauty.

Tuesday 13 October 2015

A little update, a little thank you.



I've been doing great. Stress levels are quite doable, since I'm getting the hang of it. It's approximately 20 days till SPM. I'm feeling good, just want to get it over with. I've got so much planned after the exam, I'm so excited. 

Went to Batang Ai the other day. Car ride was great. I'm a huge fan of road trips, just sitting there with my earphones plugged in #luxury. We stayed at Hilton Batang Ai Longhouse Resort because that's kinda the only hotel there. (I think so). It was my first time visiting a dam so it was pretty cool. The resort was beautiful, but a lot of mozzies though. Service was great, dinner was meh, breakfast buffet was quite good actually. I sang a lot in the hotel room and the next door ang mohs were like "Did you enjoy the show? I heard you got a lot going on over there." He probably thought I was watching TV or something. lolllll

I've been skipping a lot of classes lately. School is fun, but it's definitely not a great place to actually study in. I probably sound absurd right now but my class is one of the noisiest classes in the whole school. It's definitely not a place for us to sit and read, catch my drift? I love my class and it's a lot of fun but I just can't study there so I took a few days off to catch up on my studies. Apparently official study leave is not approved and they will fail our testimonial so we can't actually apply for study leave. I have to geng sick loh, what to do? Shhhh

Oh and one more thing, graduation is just around the corner and it got me thinking about a lot of things. I really want to thank my friends and you know, the usual drill but there's one group of people I'd also like to thank. I'd like to thank my readers, or anyone who got directed here or chanced upon my blog somehow. Anyone who has actually read my posts. Thanks a lot, by just reading them means a lot to me. I'm just a starter in this blog scene, and I'll always create material for the blog so just bear with me. To be honest, I have a huge passion for writing and blogging makes my life a whole lot meaningful. The fact that people are reading these motivates me a lot so thank you readers. Whoever you are, thank you from the bottom of my heart. You can leave a comment or follow my social media sites to let me know you're around. I'll make sure to give you a shoutout. ;) 

Stay healthy, stay happy. Love, C.





Tuesday 6 October 2015

#np: October's Playlist

To tell you the truth, I really like this month's playlist. It's one of my favorites out of many monthly playlists I've put up on the blog. Lately I've been into indie music, particularly indie rock, and I've downloaded 3 albums which I'll talk about it below.

Hurt Me - Lapsley


Hood - Tablo X Joey Bada$$


Runnin' (Let It Go) - Naughty Boy ft. Beyonce, Arrow Benjamin


Sugar - Robin Schulz ft. Francesco Yates


West End Kids - New Politics


Lifted Up (1985) - Passion Pit


Emoticons - The Wombats


Catherine - Magic Man


Bad - The Cab


Alright so first things first, I need to put this out there: TABLO ABSOLUTELY KILLED THAT TRACK as usual hehehe. Call me bias or whatever, it doesn't matter. I've always been a fan of Tablo. He's a lyrical genius, he is practically art itself. I can probably write a 10 page essay on how amazing he is but no I won't. Thumbs up to Joey Bada$$ too, great color great collaboration.

I downloaded Magic Man's Before the Waves, The Wombats' Glitterbug and Passion Pit's Kindred.

To give a lowdown, Magic Man's album is on top of my list out of those three albums. Ever since Paris I got hooked. Their songs give me a carefree rock vibe, it's very refreshing. I can just laze all day listening to their tracks.

Glitterbug is pretty good too. Totally different from Magic Man's and  I won't deny that The Wombats' got their own color. Just the right type of indie I like. Check out Greek Tragedy and This Is Not A Party from the album. With Emoticons, those three are my favorites.

Passion Pit is a tough one to crack. I'm still not sure what sets them apart from the others, there is a subtle difference which I can't seem to identify. They are new to me, in a good way. I think I'll need to keep listening to ride their flow. Some good songs in Kindred: My Brother Taught Me How To Swim, Where The Sky Hangs and the one above. 

I would probably hold on to this playlist a little longer than I usually would. It's good music, and with exams coming my way it's a good thing I chanced upon these pieces of gold.

Till next time, love C.

Thursday 1 October 2015

Food stand

photo credits: Tumblr

Food is a very arguable topic, I must admit. Some people think eating too much of it, almost stuffing it in, is a disgrace. Some people think when it shows in your body and weight, it's a disgrace. Some people think it's an unhealthy lifestyle to devote oneself to food. Well here's my two cents.

Me and many people out there love food. It's that indescribable feeling when the flavors seep into your taste buds and all the sweet neurons and impulses snuggle up against your brain. Gently, yet so intense, they stay there and keep staying there.

I don't want to go on about how much I love my food. I don't think I have to.

I saw, on a certain television show, the members were debating whether eating food is a waste of time. First of all, food is never a waste of time. Healthily or otherwise, it is not a waste of time. Food is one of the crucial things we need to survive, so how can surviving be a waste of time? Yes, they can also mean eating and indulging too much food is a waste of time. I personally believe that eating is a way to enjoy and to de-stress. It is a very simple and often inexpensive way to top the cherry on the cake when the day ends.

I consider food to be one of the little things in life that brings me happiness. Some people nurtures a certain disinterest towards food because it affects their health, their physical appearance and the weight on the scale.

To be honest, I've been there. I was close to bulimia, I'm not kidding. A lot of people around me don't know this because I've always kept a happy mood around them. My good friends know, they think I'm insane. They kept talking me out of it and thanks to them, I'm really okay now. (and no I'm not going to write more about this, it's not something I'd like to talk about)

One huge lesson I learned from that part of my life: Balance is a powerful key.

I've learned to love fitness and I work out everyday. I know when to watch what I eat, and when to let go of myself. There are also healthy variations of your favorite food on the net, you just got to dig into it.

I don't think I can give up my love for food. I find healthy ways to balance out the calories I consume. It's a win-win situation.

Food is not a waste of time, nor is it a disgrace. Balance and self discipline can carry you a long way, and at the end of the day while you're munching on chicken wings, you'll realize it's not one bit of a bad thing.

Sunday 27 September 2015

A Zombie Tale

I am a zombie, made to walk this earth alive (technically, half-alive). I am forced to compress my desire and hunger for human brains. I am told to keep a lot of secrets. Secrets like half the world is populated by zombies (oops now you know). In spite of that, with the help of Dr Brainashinagan - the only doctor/engineer/dishwasher/pole-dancer/bartender/actor and stuntman - developed a new technology in which one zombie can do without brains if zhe gets tanned (or bleached) to a certain skin colour (Yes, there is a machine developed for that). So don't fret, though your neighbor might be a zombie, they ain't comin' for your brains. Relieved? Better now? Well there's one thing you should worry about. You see, zombies need this technology (thanks to Dr. Brainashinagan) because zombies can't survive on brains anymore. Sorry, my bad, I'll rephrase. Because humans don't have brains anymore! I can see all your thoughts jumping into the runaway train while you're holding in your piss. Feel like you've lost a little weight? Maybe it's your brain that's gone. Poof. Evaporated, from all the dirt you've been feeding it. Well look on the bright side people, continue throwing stones at your neighbor and have liquor for dinner because your safety is zombie stamped and guaranteed.  

Wednesday 23 September 2015

Procrastination is poison.

I tell myself I'd get it done, in the next hour. The next hour. Again, the next hour. 
I'm addicted to this fruitless routine,
like an alcoholic,
tomorrow will be a better day.

Except that tomorrow never becomes a better day.
Tomorrow is today, yesterday, the week before, everyday.
Tomorrow is the same,
because I do nothing,
and misunderstands it for something.
Tomorrow I will realize today was nothing.
Tomorrow, I will do something, again.

It takes me nowhere.
It's like a road trip simulation. 

Too little time to use, too much time to lose.
An abundance of things to do,
an abundance of things I forced myself to do,
as an excuse.

I do not want the real thing.
I do empty things coated with a myriad of colors,
because reality is grey.
I know it will hurt me someday,
but still I face the other way.

Procrastination is poison.


Tuesday 15 September 2015

Faithless

Photo credits: Tumblr

I'm just a lovelorn teenage lass. 

I've lost my touch.

I've forgotten how it feels to do something I love, purely and entirely just something I love. 

I've been boxed in by circumstances lately, and I've been lured to live like them. 

What's fame and fortune? Just a status, a title, dirty dollar bills, rusted changes. 
What's so good to have them? Attention. Power. A life well lived, or is it? 
But we can't not concede, can we. 

It takes too much time trying to influence the world to change, and sure the people who were crazy enough to do so did, but I'd rather save my time. 
Shamelessly speaking. 

After all, time is everything isn't it. 

It is the in and out, the up and down, the past, present and future. People come and go, revolving around what? 
Time.

Time is too precious and too much of a luxury to be wasted on changing the world.
I will just make the best out of this life, and maybe by doing so the world will change.

I want to spent every second I have in this jaded boring world seeking for happiness in the little things. 

Maybe one day I might just become that person I hate, but for now let's just let it be. 

Sometimes I wonder why do I keep track of my life, why do I plan everything out. 
Great scheme of things? How great did they often turn out, right? 
Sometimes we don't need a game plan. 

I'll set sail, but who and where is to become my safe harbor? 
I need love and time. The two things we all can't have. 
Sigh. 

I'm out of faith.
 Take my hand. Someone.

C.

Friday 11 September 2015

#np: September's Playlist

I fell in love with an album...

Mourning Doves - Mikky Ekko


Growing Pains - D&E (Donghae & Eunhyuk)


Unbreakable - Jamie Scott


Ghost - Jake Miller ft. Nikki Flores


Reflections - MisterWives


Smile - Mikky Ekko


I really love Mikky Ekko's new album, Time. Especially the song Mourning Doves. It's so beautifully written and sung.

Well now trials are finally over! I will blog more throughout the holidays! ;)

Till then.

Love, C. 




Monday 31 August 2015

Unconditionally loving you.

Photo credits: Tumblr


It has been 17 years since I was brought to life. And she was there, every step of the way.

I was always a rebellious child, but thank God, I rebelled early.

I've said a lot of rude things, and had a lot of morbid thoughts but it was all because I was immature. I didn't understand. I was too young, I mean man, I didn't even know who I was then.

Turned out I was just another wreck myself, trying to put the blame on someone else. Because my parents, they were close. So I clawed them whenever I got clawed.

I believe this happens to every teenager out there, it's just the nature of our emotional growth. But this is just my story, I'm glad I can find an understanding to this.

Mom wasn't exactly a best friend. Neither any of my family members were. We were all very personal-ish. I've never talked about boys with her, never dived deep into my best days and my lowest but that's how my family worked. It was all very natural, very normal, we were happy.

She's like any other mom, puts food on the table. Food you can't get anywhere else, I mean who am I kidding home-cooked meals are amazing. She works too. We were a middle-classed family, but it was nice this way. You know, typical family living in this Malaysian society.

I was so immature, it's so funny when I think about it now. I was exactly the kind of kid I would be sneering at now. I was arrogant, snobbish, and a little too often caught in my own web of lies. I was just a kid.

But at the start of my secondary school years everything changed, not immediately but slowly I started to find myself. And I grew up, after many ups and downs, to be who I am today. I'm so glad that I can look at life in a brighter way at this young age. Most of the people around me are still finding themselves. Most of them don't even know how to love themselves the way they should.

And as I got older, I realized that my mom had it hard. I realized that I wouldn't live a life like that if I was her. And she was going through quite a number of hardships and it really broke my heart. She was fine on the outside, but I could see she was on the verge of breaking down.

I lost my grandmother, she lost her mother, and I guess that was the turning point. That was when I started loving her unconditionally. Because I saw her cry, I saw her break down starkly for a moment but she was quick to pick herself up. That broke me, it was really unbearable I kid you not.

Nothing happened just so you know. We're living a very normal and happy life. I just wanted to put this out there. I'm going to start using present tense right now.

She is more than a mom, she is my mom, mother, mummy, my queen. She's the reason why I wake up every morning. And I tell myself it's fine to have a bad day, because I have her in my life. The most beautiful part of my life is to have her in it.

Having a mom in your life is meh, been there but having her in my life is ethereal. It's still so surreal to see her carry out her daily routines, pick me up after school, bring me to lunch, cook me dinner, be my mom. I mean she could've just left me to survive on my own but she gave me warmth and comfort like no other woman could.

I have friends whose parents just leave them to do things on their own and sometimes I'm like "Your parents do that?" because mine doesn't. My parents really pave the road for me and my brother. I'm grateful, really grateful for that.

I want to say that I love my mom, and dad of course, and brother lol but I love my mom and I promise she's going to be fine. We're all going to be fine, and happy, and healthy and live a wonderful life.

Hugs and kisses. Love is just a four-lettered word, what I have for her is so much more than that.

Love, always. C.

Monday 10 August 2015

How I've Been

Photo credits: Tumblr

Surprisingly I'm actually okay. I'm not crazy stressed compared to the past exam. I keep lecturing myself to work hard for just 3 more months and I'm done but I still feel really really lazy.

Aside from studying, I'm actually really motivated to workout. I frequent the gym on weekends and it's so so nice. I also do Blogilates. Great one, the workouts are really fun.

Got my prom dress! I've shared on my Dayre how I wanted a backless dress for prom and I finally got one! Not exactly backless but still loving it. I'm going to show a lot of skin on prom hahaha. Needa slim down a little to fit the dress.

Hmm what's next?

Ohh! Kuching Festival starts this month! I've been there 3 times on the first week and the crowd was just bat shit crazy. I had tons of ice-cream you cannot imagine. Too bad there's no cakes. I mean nice ones. Words cannot describe my love for cake.

I admit I'm not finding time to blog here at the moment, not until I cross the big one out first. But that doesn't mean I'm putting it on hiatus. I'll still rant here and there and of course not to forget my monthly playlist too!

I've been blogging daily (almost) on Dayre. It's a much casual platform to write on. I do snapchat too! Both on @celinetiang

Till then, love C.

Thursday 6 August 2015

#np: August's Playlist

I will tell you my favorites before I even lay out the songs. BIG BANG MADE SERIES E. Mad loving. Let's not worry alright. For those "allergic" to kpop, fret not, they're listed way back so you can listen to the others "comfortably". 

#sometimesidontunderstandwhypeopleneedtohatekpop 


Our Time - Lily Allen


The Mother We Share - CHVRCHES


Don't Be So Hard On Yourself - Jess Glynne


Goldmine - Kimbra


Coattails - Broods


Hand In Hand - Walking On Cars


One Day - Kodaline


Let's Not Fall In Love - Big Bang


Zutter - GD & TOP


Don't you just love them? hahaha

I really like Goldmine for some reason. 

Btw, i'm blogging on Dayre too! And snapchat. Both @celinetiang

Friday 31 July 2015

My Experience With Allergies and IVs

Here's what happened. I was eating two bowls of seaweed and about 2 whole crabs when my eyes started drying up fast. I felt like I was shrinking, deprived of water and my body felt like it was burning up inside. My nose blocked and I still couldn't really breathe through my mouth. 

I thought it was dehydration though, don't know if it makes any sense. Because I was taking really high sodium food, and wasn't really drinking any water. So I kept repeating the process of emptying and refilling my bottle but still to no relief. I tried puking, popping some allergic meds but still nothing.  

At that point I looked like I was dying, lol. My eyes were red and swollen, eye bags were drooping and my face got really really pale. I finally told my mom after several failed attempts to save myself and she drove me to the nearest hospital. 

Next thing I know, I was lying on the hospital bed getting an IV shot. No drip, thank lord. 30 minutes passed and doc sent us home. Apparently I ate too much seafood, and overdose of iodine maybe? (obviously *facepalm*)

Overall? I felt like I got hit by a truck hahaha. It's my first time getting an allergy and an IV shot. 17 years of my life I've had more than my share of seafood and nothing happened to me. Why now whyyyyy? 

I guess it's a good thing though, at least now I know what an allergic reaction feels like (in a good way duh, I'm not a psycho) They said that the IV shot hurts but it was better than I had expected. It felt like a regular injection. 

Definitely worst than food poisoning, which I had for a streak of three years. 

Lesson learnt: Portion control.

And you know what's ironic? I read Daphne Charice's blog post about needles and stuff and who knows 3 hours later I'd end up in the hospital. Darn alignment of the universe, or is this karma? Maybe karma? What did I do though? Too many little sins maybe lol.

Take care. Remember, don't be a greedy arse and gobble up everything hahaha. (note to self) 
Love, xoxo C.

Monday 27 July 2015

Compilation of drafts: I dreamt a dream.



I've been having really weird dreams lately. Like really really weird ones.

#1. Transgender guy posing for a cover of a magazine, nude.
WHAT IS THIS?!

#2 Crazy leopards going on killing everyone. It's like leopard apocalypse whattttttttttt.

Can I just blog on Dayre? I'm thinking on creating an account for it but I don't think I will update frequently tho.

//

A shell. A ghost town. A lost soul. Work-in-progress. Tired. Demotivated. Demotivated to breathe. To live. Wake up, repeat. On a loop. Dead routine. So hectic. Suffocating. Days, days go so slow. Yet not enough. Time is slipping through my knuckles. Slowly, gruellingly, fast. I can't.

Wrote this on one of those days, pfft. My friend said I just contradicted myself on the slowly, gruellingly, fast part. hahahaha

"...how their love for us shines a light on where we don't love ourselves."
I cried, while watching the drama I cried. I cried at everything. At the sad scenes, at my life, at the universe. Everything is just so sad. No it's not the drama, it has nothing to do with it. The drama was just an excuse. It's been some time now, feeling like this, like a shipwreck. I want badly, to melt myself into a puddle and tell the world I'm not okay.

Why is everything so sad? Yes, I write, more often than not, on my lowest days. Just to pen down my thoughts, because it becomes a burden if it's not off my chest. Aside from all the exam stress (which is really really stressful), I'm quite fine actually.


On signboards. In a cafe. A passerby. A cyclist in the rearview mirror.
I see him everywhere. He's intangible, forever beyond reach.
He mixed the stars, the night sky, the evening breeze, the milky way, the whole galaxy in a bowl and made it into fondant. Then like a cocoon, he wrapped himself up in his work of art.
He's beautiful.
So funny story. I met this guy, and I had this tiny crush on him. And girls being girls, we fantasize about how amazing the guy is and stuff like that so I wrote this tiny piece. But when I got to know him, I'm like mehh this is not what I expected. Don't throw curve balls at me! This should be dedicated to someone else. hahaha i'm so evil.

A room where desolated sighs turn into wails, but the people in there are strong.
They have to be.
Always be grateful. Always.
You never know. You can never predict the worst that can happen.
The word itself is so vague and it seems to me that nothing can ever be labelled "worst"
Your "worst" might just be the "best" that has ever happened to someone.
So don't judge, don't grumble.
Be thankful.
Always, always, always, be grateful.

I wrote this when my dear grandma was in the hospital. She has left us, as much as I'd like to deny. But I'm sure she's watching over us, and I know everything will be fine. Because she fought so hard, and nothing that is happening to me right now is harder than what she fought for. Love always.

I have not been able to read any books this year. I have three waiting for me to pick them up but I can't find the time. Not now, everything will happen after that bloody examination.

So excited for graduation. Can't wait to get out!

Be thankful, be grateful.
Love always, C.


Monday 20 July 2015

#np: July's Playlist

It's July 20th so darn sorry. My schedule was so hectic I couldn't update my blog, but hell no I'm missing this. My jam for the month, mostly cover versions.

The Hills - The Weeknd (Fame On Fire Ft. Rain Paris & Arcaeus Cover)


She's so gorgeous, and that hair. Slurps.

Trip Switch - Nothing But Thieves


I'm starting to fall for them hahaha. Love this!

Chains - Nick Jonas (Midnight Red Cover)


This was powerful! Reminded me of Imagine Dragons.

Fight Song - Rachel Platten (Lovey James Cover)


Inspired.

Trap Queen - Fetty Wap (Lydia Paek Cover)

 

Lydia rules! 

Bright - Echosmith (Future Sunsets Cover)


I like this twist to the song. Instead of the sweet girl vocals in the original song, I like their vocals kinda like the ones in pop-rock bands. Makes sense? hahaha


So that's about it. Hope you liked it, i'll try to be more productive aite?
Love, C. 



Thursday 9 July 2015

Missing In Action


It has been decades since I've updated this place. I'm feeling really guilty but there's so much to settle right now.

It's already July and trials is a month away. SPM is 4 months away so I'm really focusing on my studies now.

I'm so stressed out, and I've been a little bit crazy because I have these suicide thoughts. Hahaha I'm fine. I still want to live lah.

Stress can kill. Now I understand.

It's so cramped up together yet so vague. Everything is so fast-forwarded but I'm really scared of what happens next you know?

Things will work out. They always do. ;)

I hope I can find time to write something relevant (not that my rants aren't relevant tho ;) ) up on the blog.

In the meantime, I will have to study my way out of 2015 I guess.

I'm still very very excited for graduation. Hahaha

Love, always. C.

Friday 26 June 2015

Rant: Vomiting Thoughts



You can't fool me on whatsapp, no. Double ticks can't fool me. Blue ones, you're so done.

My mind is exploding, no, it's like every cell in my body is exploding.

I want to scrunch the world up into a ball and wrap it with the universe. Light a match and set it into flames.

Imagine how the stars burn, because that's how I feel now.

I can't wait, I can't wait anymore. If it wasn't for the tetris game I wouldn't have made it through 2 hours of nothing-happening.

It's like I have this feeling that it's going to be a mistake. But still I want it, I want it so bad. I want to own for even just a second. I don't care if I'm gonna get my heart broken and cry all over the place. I want.

I'm in the hype. Of that age I guess? I have that courage again, well not really. But still.

I need someone to help me. I need to start. I need to step forward and let the wind blow me away. Whatever happens, happens.

I need to, I want to, I have to.

It may break me, or build me, or break then mend me. I don't know, I'll give it a shot.

I know you'd probably think I'm going crazy, maybe I am. I know what I'm saying doesn't make sense to you, but I need to get this out of me.

I feel like nyan cat just got hit by a rock, but still singing the song.

Okay okay, I need a chill pill. I need to cool down.

Wish me luck. I need to be brave. I hope I don't lose myself, because that's not worth it.

Breathe Celine, breathe.

Let's do it, C.