A Faint Memory

My body, swayed to the rhythm. It had it's mind of it's own, doing what we had practiced. I was there, the last one in the last row. The others beside me, doing the same thing in neat motion. My eyes, tears-filled as they frantically searched for my father, or any familiar faces to be exact. The crowd of foreign people, never glancing at me. Stage lights, and an Eeyore soft toy as a prop. It was nerve wrecking, as far as I remembered.

The irony, how I was such an introverted kid and on top of that I was placed the last one in the back row. How low my self-esteem must be then. Then again, how would I know about things like self-esteem. I was just five.

一转眼，我就17岁了

Time really flies, I'm already 17 half ready to take on the world, but half still not ready to embrace the future yet..

My childhood rusted and peeled off my mind like wind blowing fine sand. What's left are little faint memories here and there, with no beginnings and no ends. I was never one to believe that I still had the little kid in me. She almost never sculpted who I am now, we were worlds apart, totally 180 degrees. Well maybe I still had her, a little bit, in the core of me. After all she was a base, that showed me what was wrong and how badly different I was. She bore the insecurities and I overcame them.

It's a "good buried in the bad" kinda thing. It's fortunate that I saved my self-esteem in my early teens rather than now like some out there who are still a diamond in the rough. To be honest, we're all lacking final touches, there's always space for improvement.

Point is, I was suddenly visited by that faint memory and it amazes me to look back at that super short-haired kid and then back to present at a 17 year-old girl. In the process of growing up, I became more concious of my etiquette, my fashion sense, my appearance, I even tried make-up (suck at it tho, still learning). I threw away bad habits, like cursing big time *ahem ahem*; screaming really loudly; basically everything that wasn't appropriate for a person, not just a girl, to do. I observed others and people-watched which helps a lot too.I also figured out that I have to accept who I am, who I was and who I wanna be in order for me to be happy.

Well, some of my friends think that I'm over-confident and too mature for my age. I know what I'm doing and it gets me to where I wanna be. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter if I'm "over-confident", all I know is that I leave my self-esteem in my own hands, and I feel better and I am who I am.

To my homies: I know you mean well, but I try to strive for what's best for me. You know I love you all right? ;)

Good days will come. xo C.