Rant: Vomiting Thoughts

You can't fool me on whatsapp, no. Double ticks can't fool me. Blue ones, you're so done.

My mind is exploding, no, it's like every cell in my body is exploding.

I want to scrunch the world up into a ball and wrap it with the universe. Light a match and set it into flames.

Imagine how the stars burn, because that's how I feel now.

I can't wait, I can't wait anymore. If it wasn't for the tetris game I wouldn't have made it through 2 hours of nothing-happening.

It's like I have this feeling that it's going to be a mistake. But still I want it, I want it so bad. I want to own for even just a second. I don't care if I'm gonna get my heart broken and cry all over the place. I want.

I'm in the hype. Of that age I guess? I have that courage again, well not really. But still.

I need someone to help me. I need to start. I need to step forward and let the wind blow me away. Whatever happens, happens.

I need to, I want to, I have to.

It may break me, or build me, or break then mend me. I don't know, I'll give it a shot.

I know you'd probably think I'm going crazy, maybe I am. I know what I'm saying doesn't make sense to you, but I need to get this out of me.

I feel like nyan cat just got hit by a rock, but still singing the song.

Okay okay, I need a chill pill. I need to cool down.

Wish me luck. I need to be brave. I hope I don't lose myself, because that's not worth it.

Breathe Celine, breathe.

Let's do it, C.

Father's Day: Dear Dad,

I dedicate this song to my dad. The person I call father.

I was never really close with my father. We don't talk about other things except school, my schedule and some other stuff that's normal in a father-daughter conversation. 

好像从没有真的陪你聊天过，虽然你总是想跟我聊些什么

I know you tried really hard, to be close, but all the time I shrugged you off. I know you want us to be people we see on TV screens, but we turned out to be this. 

I know you want me to be you, to do what you do. But I'm a risk-taker, an adventurer. I want to do things I've never done. I know you've got my back, right?

I know you're starting to do things for yourself. Things that you want to, love to do. Before it's too late. You do that. If you're surrounded by red lights and one foot on the brakes, I'll be your green light. Because in the future, I will still want to do things that I love to do. I will still want to try out new things, still live my life, no matter how many children I have, no matter how heavy the world weighs down on me. So you do that. Live your life.

I dedicate this song to you.

曾经伤害你 I'm sorry
滥用了叛逆 I'm sorry
也许有天你会忘记，忘了怎么呼吸
但请你别忘了我很爱你

It's such a relief that I rebelled quite early. When I was 13 or 14 I think. I was immature and rebellious. I treated you like no daughter should treat her father.

真的滥用了叛逆 I really abused my rebellion phase. I sharpened my words and you took them blow by blow. I cannot imagine, how hurt must you be, to be treated like...that.

I think you knew, that's why you were patient. You were calm, when I was igniting, blowing, pouring out dangerous sparks. It must have hurt a lot. Maybe, maybe if I went back to one of those nights , I'm sure I would have noticed your wrinkles, each line like scars carved on to remind you that your daughter is growing up. 

Thank you, for giving me education. For providing a roof, painted brick walls, four wheels, allowances, signatures, and anything to keep me living and breathing.

Thank you, for staying. For not leaving, for not giving up, for making sacrifices, for mentally saying "I'm a father now."

He's no cape-wearing superman, no role model, but I love him regardless. I love him, why? Because he's my father, and there's so much more to that. 

Because he's my father.

现在换我罩着你

Stay healthy and happy. Happy Papa's Day. 

Love, 'line.

A Faint Memory

My body, swayed to the rhythm. It had it's mind of it's own, doing what we had practiced. I was there, the last one in the last row. The others beside me, doing the same thing in neat motion. My eyes, tears-filled as they frantically searched for my father, or any familiar faces to be exact. The crowd of foreign people, never glancing at me. Stage lights, and an Eeyore soft toy as a prop. It was nerve wrecking, as far as I remembered.

The irony, how I was such an introverted kid and on top of that I was placed the last one in the back row. How low my self-esteem must be then. Then again, how would I know about things like self-esteem. I was just five.

一转眼，我就17岁了

Time really flies, I'm already 17 half ready to take on the world, but half still not ready to embrace the future yet..

My childhood rusted and peeled off my mind like wind blowing fine sand. What's left are little faint memories here and there, with no beginnings and no ends. I was never one to believe that I still had the little kid in me. She almost never sculpted who I am now, we were worlds apart, totally 180 degrees. Well maybe I still had her, a little bit, in the core of me. After all she was a base, that showed me what was wrong and how badly different I was. She bore the insecurities and I overcame them.

It's a "good buried in the bad" kinda thing. It's fortunate that I saved my self-esteem in my early teens rather than now like some out there who are still a diamond in the rough. To be honest, we're all lacking final touches, there's always space for improvement.

Point is, I was suddenly visited by that faint memory and it amazes me to look back at that super short-haired kid and then back to present at a 17 year-old girl. In the process of growing up, I became more concious of my etiquette, my fashion sense, my appearance, I even tried make-up (suck at it tho, still learning). I threw away bad habits, like cursing big time *ahem ahem*; screaming really loudly; basically everything that wasn't appropriate for a person, not just a girl, to do. I observed others and people-watched which helps a lot too.I also figured out that I have to accept who I am, who I was and who I wanna be in order for me to be happy.

Well, some of my friends think that I'm over-confident and too mature for my age. I know what I'm doing and it gets me to where I wanna be. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter if I'm "over-confident", all I know is that I leave my self-esteem in my own hands, and I feel better and I am who I am.

To my homies: I know you mean well, but I try to strive for what's best for me. You know I love you all right? ;)

Good days will come. xo C.

A Different Kind Of Squash: Conquer the Court 2015

I am that girl who fancied basketball, then volleyball and finally settled down on badminton because that's the one sport I can best play and trust me, I suck at sports. In spite of that, I have always taken interest in sports of any kind because sports are fun regardless whether you excel or not. That is why I grabbed an opportunity to attend a squash tournament, Conquer the Court 2015 last Saturday.

I thought I would fill you in on the intricacies of this event first. Conquer the Court 2015 is organized by SuperSquashers and Squash Association Kuching. Held in Sarawak Club, it's main purpose is to open society's eyes to this game, to attract more players and at the same time, to educate people about the game.

I was welcomed with loud music blasting from the speakers and a set filled with balloons. Quite a crowd came to watch them play too.

Popcorn and cotton candy anyone?

#thatsalotofhashtags This Instagram booth is actually a contest, do as the above say in the most creative way and you might win awesome prizes! This is also aimed to get squash into the Olympics. Talk about making an effort!

Now this event is not your usual squash tournament you see on FOX Sports. To make it fun and exciting, the organizers created a game called Musical Squash. You know musical chairs? Yep, the same thing only that you're playing squash instead of circling chairs. 

It works like this. Play some music and the game starts, thing is, you don't know when it stops. So basically the player who's leading before the music stops wins the game. But you don't just win the game, you've got to win the game. Four courts, including one king court. Players start at court 4, person who wins advances to court 3 and loser stays at court 4 or go down a court depending on which court you are on. Get to court 1 (king court) and try to stay there as long as possible.

Sounds exciting and utterly ingenious doesn't it?

It's not just fun and all, it gives players a chance to play with other players. While promoting social skills, players can also learn a thing or two from the others.

From kids to teen participants, it truly proves that squash is for all ages. Throw in some willpower and passion into the mix and you're all ready to go. 

It was already lunch break when I arrived, and lucky me the Hitz Cruisers crew also came and people were pooling into the court for some giveaway session! Picture above: Hitz Cruisers crew asking some questions to give out some drinks and tee shirts! I want them tee shirts! 

Playing legit musical chair hahaha.

Anyway, this event was definitely an eye opener. Being someone who doesn't know anything about squash, I think I learned quite a handful. Side note: The music they played was fab. Some mashups, some covers and a whole lot of EDM vibe. 

I left early but I believe there was a lucky draw session too! Heard the prizes were stunning!  

Virtual round of applause (just imagine okay) to SuperSquashers and everyone who has contributed to this event. I believe that they can take future events to the next level. Thumbs up! I had a great time!

To all of you out there who are interested in the game, I advice that you just go for it! 

SuperSquashers' FB

SuperSquashers' website

ps: Heard your ad on the radio. ;) 

Love, C.

5 Things I Regret I Did Not Do In High School

High school is coming to an end. *sobs* but I'm still more on the happy side. I just really can't wait. I'm really looking forward to college and other plans after that. Since I'm going to part ways with that huge orange block of school and my colour-stained high-school life, I will look back at what I've done and maybe repent a little. Heh. ;)

So there are a few things I regret I did not do and most of you would probably agree to this:

1. Do my revisions.

I think everyone can attest to this. I am having a super hard time coping now because I played around for the first year (Form 4) and I did not learn anything. Oh wait, I did not just not do my revisions, I didn't even participate in lessons. *cries* Everyone said that Form 4 isn't a honeymoon year and to get my head right but then God gave me this great class of friends thus, goodbye academics. I remembered not studying, literally, for exams and I would just hand in an almost blank test paper (thank God everyone did the same, because my ranks was still the same). I even skipped a test because I know I would definitely fail.

2. Socializing with new people.

There are tons of people I'm still not friends with yet. I'm getting there but still a lot more on my imaginary checklist (not that I made one). One reason why I don't socialize much now is because we're gonna part ways after graduation anyway, there's really not a point in socializing. But somehow deep down I want to know these people, or maybe I want them to know me. I don't wan't to graduate being an unknown and maybe these connections can help me in the future. Who knows, maybe we might meet someday and when we do it'll be super awkward.

3. Participating in school activities.

School activities were usually held on Saturday and I'm not a weekend school person. Weekends are for lazing around or spending quality time with the family. I skipped a lot on the curricular activities and some fun events here and there. There were also telematches, hiking activities, and some fun games but I skipped them all. I regretted that because that's where all the fun begins and I'd find myself missing out on funny topics or bizarre things that happened when I was not there.

4. Establish and maintain past relationships well before meeting new people

Classes changed once I got to Form 4 and a lot of my Form 3 friends still ended in the same class. As for those who didn't, I regretted not keeping contact because I was too high in making new friends and I guess they were the same too. Plus, I regretted not nourishing our friendships well before moving on because when I really think into it I realised that I don't really know these people. Know as in background and personality wise. I know we've all moved on and that's how the world goes but another friend is better than another stranger you know? ;)

5. Trying out new things to figure out what I'm good at.

I regretted not trying out practical things and skills because now I'm having a hard time deciding what I want to do in the future. I know I am very bad at arts and you can say that I'm fairly weak at sports. I exercise lately so yeah there's an improvement. I excel at the nerdy nerdy stuffs like reading, love writing, love biology, detest chemistry and all these things I figured out myself. School never taught us how to choose a career, never taught us how to stick to our intuition and certainly never taught us how to find out what we're good at. I regret not trying out things that involve with physical skills, like dancing or playing sports. One thing I know is that I really love talking or relaying a message to an audience. I enjoyed that but I never got a chance to do so.

So that's it!
Thanks for reading.
Love, C.

Coffee, Cakes, Movies and Music

I hit CityOne with Sam on Sunday to catch a friend's singing contest. She was peerless, fearless and she sang her way to the finals. Big round of applause for her.

Sam and I went for karaoke at 11 in the morning, talk about hyperactive. It's been so long since we went together so we decided that straining our throats a little wouldn't hurt no one. So we were singing Titanium and there's a line where Sia goes "Ricochet, you take your aim..." but instead of "ricochet...", it came out as "brick of shame..." Hahaha we laughed until our tummies hurt, it was such a wrong-place-wrong-time moment.

I grabbed a cup of coffee at TommyBoy before we went for karaoke. Sam called for gelato and we chatted away for awhile. I was feeling great vibes if I must say.

I was quite disappointed, however, of their consistency. I ordered Caramel Macchiato and it was so good. I love how it's a bit sweet and salty at the end of your taste buds. In spite of that, I went back on Monday and what they served me tasted like instant coffee with a little bit of foam topped with caramel syrup which I can hardly discern of. Too bad, they can do much better than this. The picture above was of Sunday's.

Gelato was so-so, too sweet for me. By the way, it's blueberry in the picture.

After my friend's singing event, we all headed for teppanyaki at Kaiju Teppanyaki! I ordered teppanyaki beef and it was good, portion was a bit too small and it's quite pricey but overall it was good. The beef was delicious so i'll give them that. Oh and the service was so so slow. We waited for a good 30 minutes or so but fortunately the singing competition was still going on so we had a show to watch. Phew. 

Sam and I were trying to lose some time so Earthlings Coffee Workshop is where we headed to. I heard the coffee's good there but I had coffee in the morning so I chose their signature hot chocolate. It was just chocolate, nothing special though. Well maybe it's just me because every chocolate drink taste like Milo. It's a personal thing.

Barcode Chocolate Cake. Thumbs up! Full of chocolatey goodness, almonds were a bit of a bummer though. 

Apple Crumble. It's okay. The apples tasted tad bit weird. Not my style. 

I went back to CityOne again on Monday for some me time. Catched whatever movie available, sneaked in some snacks and waffles and spent half of my day in the cinema.

Funny thing happened. I was supposed to go to hall 10 but I mistakenly took it for 01. Went to hall one and everyone was dead serious, guess what? It was showing Insidious. Worst part? It was at it's climax where all the ghost are supposed to appear. I was literally face-palming in my seat before I ran the hell out. Hahaha at least now I can check Insidious off my list...kind of.

I saw Tomorrowland and I cannot stand that girl. She annoys me with her curiosity and that attitude. *rolls eyes* But great concept though, about people being too blinded by greed and politics to care about earth itself.

I loved Man Up better. It's a cute movie about an insecure woman who pretended to be a guy's blind date but they fell in love in the end. I have this prejudice about English romance movies because most of them revolves around sex and well, sex. This ended up as an eye opener for me because I actually laughed along and enjoyed every bit of it.

I met Brandon after the movie. Hahaha what a coincidence, apparently he was teaching his friend add-maths and was waiting for his dad to pick him up.

I had so much fun two days in a row. Hoping for more days like these.
Love, C.

Tunku Putra's Inter-school Prefects' Dinner

Tunku Putra actually organized a prefects' dinner to bring all prefects from schools in Kuching together.

It was so much fun, really. We went there to find out that we were all seated at different tables. It was quite shocking at first because we were all really shy and tad bit anti-social. Once the event was started, it actually turned out pretty well. My table members were all not passive, they were quite simpatico actually.

My outfit of the night.

A shot with our head boy, William and our fellow treasurer, Yaw! I went to William's house and tumpang-ed his car because I didn't want to go alone. Hahaha.

Darn, people there look so mature, or is it the case that Arang (my school) kids look like, well, kids. They don't look my age and they certainly don't dress my age (hold it, I admit I'm the one who's not dressing my age)

There were ice breaking sessions, games and performances. Oh and even dance time which was really awkward at first, because this lass has no partner *sobs* But me and my buddies hung around and it wasn't boring at all now that I think about it.

My friends were all planning to cabut early because they weren't really interested at first, plus my classmates are having a class dinner so the ones with me wanted to go for second round. In the end they hung till the end because I guess they figured it wasn't all too bad.

I've met many people from all walks of life (not really, I just wrote it that way because it sounds mature-ish) Being a typical full blooded Malaysian, it's fascinating (people call it suaku) meeting other nationalities. I met Caucasians, Eurasians, Singaporeans, Koreans (which is a fellow Big Bang fan also whoo!) and fellow Malaysians too.

Towards the end I didn't wanna leave because the bands started performing, the vibes were great and people were loosening up to others but my Dad was waiting so I had to take my leave.

Anyway it was a great experience, this will certainly be a night to remember. Tunku Putra School, you have done a great job. ;)

Love, C.

#np: June's Playlist

It's the holiday season! Mid terms is finally over and no I did not forget about my monthly playlist just because I was all too happy indulging and pampering myself over the weekends. So let's kick June off with a playlist that'll hopefully last you for the month. Hope you'll like it. ;)

Earned It - The Weeknd

Fire N Gold - Bea Miller

Tip Toes - Jayme Dee

Paris- Magic Man

Long Time Coming - Saints of Valory

Battleships - Daughtry

Loser (Big Bang Cover) - Chad Future ft Preston Knight

Loved Chad's remix of Loser! We all need English versions sometimes hahaha.

But I also love love love Joayo X Malhada's version, still in Korean but it was just too good.

So that's about it! 

Enjoy! C.

The Cycle of Debts

Something my friend said: "Life is a cycle of debts."

This is quite a big revelation to me. Particularly because I'm in this sticky situation where the base of my family is constantly wavering.

We shouldn't think this way, he said to me. I know, I don't want to either.

But for the first time I teared up thinking about what he told me. It's really sad to have this mindset and here's my two cents about ties and debts.

We are all revolving around the concept of hierarchy and the continuation of generations. We think that we have to pay back what our parents gave us, the experiences we were given, friends and educators. This mindset has slowly turned life into a give-and-take game. We are not aware of this because it's so common, it's practiced by all thus it has become a norm of society.

Children study hard, because the parents want them to. Children make money, to repay the parents. We buy gifts for friends because they gave us gifts. We buy someone dinner, because they gave us great advice. And the list goes on.

You see, this is a cycle of you-give-me-and-i'll-give-you. Some do it willingly, some are forced to, some just go with the flow like it's the most natural thing to do. It is. It really is. Take note that sincerity doesn't matter in this cycle because with or without the heart, people would still do it anyway.

I'm not saying that we should be insincere, instead we should just do what is right and do it willingly. To come clean, what's right and what's wrong depends on what it brings. If it brings happiness then it's always right, because happiness is priceless. If it doesn't, well that's just plain unhealthy.

Since we cannot just abandon this practice, we should all look at the big picture and weigh the good and the bad. We should not think of this as debts and we can see this as dedication. A movement to improve ourselves and the people around us. What we are doing will help us strengthen the bonds of relationships and it will definitely bring everyone equal benefits that are essential in daily life.

Inspire others to inspire ourselves, stay happy, C.