Keep Holding On.

Photo credits: Tumblr

I was browsing through the Youtube comments because the video was taking forever to load. Someone posted that he(or she) wanted to take his life because he doesn't have friends, he gets bullied in school and he's 16.


I was also depressed at 16, not because of bullying but I ODed on the overthinking pill. I don't think suicide and depression is something to be taken lightly, even if it's frequent (which is a bad thing).

Insecurities can kill, I know, but learning to handle them can be a great weapon. We all have demons right? If you can learn to control them, they can bring out the best in you. That boy, he's bullied and that makes him insecure. Bullies, are cowards. Period. They pick on others just to make themselves feel better. My best friend once told me that people tease you just to see how you react to them. If you don't give a damn, they will stop. By not giving a damn, you have to love yourself, hang out with the right crowd, find a niche, find your passion, and just do what you do.

Emotional strength is not given by birth. Parents can't teach their kids that, trust me. "You won't find yourself by looking in the mirror." You need to fall so hard it breaks your bones, and cry and cry for nights before you stand up and realize you're sick of this shit. One day you'll learn to fight for yourself, you'll find yourself and you'll love yourself. That's the biggest surprise your future can ever give you. Your stories, be proud of them. Don't let others dim your sparkle, don't let others spend your pride. 

My teacher came into the class and he told us a story about a guy who got bad grades but went on and made a name for himself later on in the future. Cliche, but inspiring. He said "Whatever you get now, whatever you're going through now, it will not kill you." I'm like "Yeah, it will not kill me." 

It certainly won't kill that boy. I hope he stays strong, and go through it. Push, keep pushing. The worst and the best is yet to come. 

Keep going, 

Love, C.

Myself, college and everything in between.

Photo credits: Tumblr

Run the extra mile, keep it slim so they like you. Do they like you?

This line resonates in my chest for quite a while now.

Sometimes I feel so vulnerable, I mean being vulnerable is okay.

It's perfectly fine.

But don't be desperate, never be desperate for something.

You can be hungry, but never too desperate.

There's a difference, dig into it.

Anyway, I know the song sends a powerful positive message to not only women, 

but men also out there.

I just feel like I keep trying, and trying, and failing, and trying again but sometimes I ask myself exactly the same thing. Do they like you?

I know people don't hate me, I mean my friends know who I am and embrace me for that.

If there are haters, my friends will always outshine them.

We all want priority right? I mean who am I kidding, I am at this age.

I can't always be that "over matured" girl.

Sometimes I need to be a little selfish, a little childish and a little sensitive.

Obliviously or otherwise.

Talking about maturity, one day I'll grow up and be like "What?! Gurl you got it all wrong. Welcome to the real world now." 

or maybe not. We'll see. I am excited.

Priority, I know it's not important.

Plus, it's not healthy to want it bad.

It's normal to want it.

And that's the selfish side of me, which is completely normal.

For all of us.

Moving on, college.

College cannot save me, I need to save me.

I keep telling myself this.

It's not like I need help.

I am fine, just need to touch up on some things.

I need to browse through what I've learned and really learn from it.

Make me a better person.

I want to be a better person, meet better people in college.

Not that the people now are not good.

I mean they're the best. 

I'm so scared I won't meet people like them in college.

That's like the only thing I'm scared about.

College doesn't intimidate me, I just need the right people with me.

I guess you can't be too prepared and too cautious for college.

I know it's unpredictable, but it's going to be one hell of a roller-coaster ride.

I'm gonna love it, hopefully.

I just hope that I won't be brainwashed.

I hope I won't change who I am, either on a natural course or forced by circumstances.

I mean, I want to be able to go through a hard day and come out still being me.

It's not hard being me, I've learned to take control of myself.

I need to take control of what controls me.

You can't always be in control.

You will lose yourself once in a while.

But I will choose what to lose myself in, and what not to.

This is something I need to do.

For myself, for my safety also.

Because mom and dad doesn't come in the picture anymore.

We're going to be miles away.

Brother is nearer but also miles away.

At least I have a brother, that calms me a lot.

I don't want to keep being in a box.

I've been in an air bubble for so long, I want to breathe fresh air.

I want to try new things, generate new ideas.

I want to do things I've never done before.

Legal ones of course. lol

I have big dreams, I said that a lot.

My bucket list, wow.

Will I be able to achieve that?

I want to achieve that, that's my goal.

I will take the driving exams next January I think. 

Not in a hurry.

That's a bit of a lie.

Seeing my friends drive, of course I'll play the jealous card.

But transportation was never really my problem.

Rarely.

Why do I want to drive?

I want to like call my bestie and say "Hey get ready I'll pick you up"

And turn into his house 10 minutes later.

Then we'll go have lots of desserts because we LOVE desserts.

I also want to drive to the mart, because sometimes I'm so hungry and mom doesn't

want to drive out even though it's like a minute away.

It's okay. I don't blame her, she's tired. 

We wear the same shoes. #likeaboss

Just different sizes.

I try her size sometimes, too much to handle.

Respect.

So much to look forward to.

All is well.

Stay well.

Love, C.

Seashells.

Photo credits: Tumblr

People are like seashells. Seashells in general, are beautiful things, they are all different, some more than others but all stand out in their distinct ways. Sometimes you pick up a golden one, but it's broken and chipped around the sides. Sometimes you pick up just fragments of it but still keep it anyway.

The world is my ocean. With thousands of shells uncovered beneath the ever-changing tides, someone will come along. Someone will push through furious waters to settle beneath my feet. He will nuzzle against my bare skin and I will pick him up. I will cherish, even just a tiny fragment that's left of him. I will mend him, and make him feel whole again.

I hold on my hope, that I shall become a seashell in someone's world. I shall be picked up and fixed and loved and feel whole again.

We are humans, humans like seashells. 

We are of loud confidence. 

We are of prominent presence. 

We are of soft spoken beauty.

A little update, a little thank you.

I've been doing great. Stress levels are quite doable, since I'm getting the hang of it. It's approximately 20 days till SPM. I'm feeling good, just want to get it over with. I've got so much planned after the exam, I'm so excited. 

Went to Batang Ai the other day. Car ride was great. I'm a huge fan of road trips, just sitting there with my earphones plugged in #luxury. We stayed at Hilton Batang Ai Longhouse Resort because that's kinda the only hotel there. (I think so). It was my first time visiting a dam so it was pretty cool. The resort was beautiful, but a lot of mozzies though. Service was great, dinner was meh, breakfast buffet was quite good actually. I sang a lot in the hotel room and the next door ang mohs were like "Did you enjoy the show? I heard you got a lot going on over there." He probably thought I was watching TV or something. lolllll

I've been skipping a lot of classes lately. School is fun, but it's definitely not a great place to actually study in. I probably sound absurd right now but my class is one of the noisiest classes in the whole school. It's definitely not a place for us to sit and read, catch my drift? I love my class and it's a lot of fun but I just can't study there so I took a few days off to catch up on my studies. Apparently official study leave is not approved and they will fail our testimonial so we can't actually apply for study leave. I have to geng sick loh, what to do? Shhhh

Oh and one more thing, graduation is just around the corner and it got me thinking about a lot of things. I really want to thank my friends and you know, the usual drill but there's one group of people I'd also like to thank. I'd like to thank my readers, or anyone who got directed here or chanced upon my blog somehow. Anyone who has actually read my posts. Thanks a lot, by just reading them means a lot to me. I'm just a starter in this blog scene, and I'll always create material for the blog so just bear with me. To be honest, I have a huge passion for writing and blogging makes my life a whole lot meaningful. The fact that people are reading these motivates me a lot so thank you readers. Whoever you are, thank you from the bottom of my heart. You can leave a comment or follow my social media sites to let me know you're around. I'll make sure to give you a shoutout. ;) 

Stay healthy, stay happy. Love, C.

#np: October's Playlist

To tell you the truth, I really like this month's playlist. It's one of my favorites out of many monthly playlists I've put up on the blog. Lately I've been into indie music, particularly indie rock, and I've downloaded 3 albums which I'll talk about it below.

Hurt Me - Lapsley

Hood - Tablo X Joey Bada$$

Runnin' (Let It Go) - Naughty Boy ft. Beyonce, Arrow Benjamin

Sugar - Robin Schulz ft. Francesco Yates

West End Kids - New Politics

Lifted Up (1985) - Passion Pit

Emoticons - The Wombats

Catherine - Magic Man

Bad - The Cab

Alright so first things first, I need to put this out there: TABLO ABSOLUTELY KILLED THAT TRACK as usual hehehe. Call me bias or whatever, it doesn't matter. I've always been a fan of Tablo. He's a lyrical genius, he is practically art itself. I can probably write a 10 page essay on how amazing he is but no I won't. Thumbs up to Joey Bada$$ too, great color great collaboration.

I downloaded Magic Man's Before the Waves, The Wombats' Glitterbug and Passion Pit's Kindred.

To give a lowdown, Magic Man's album is on top of my list out of those three albums. Ever since Paris I got hooked. Their songs give me a carefree rock vibe, it's very refreshing. I can just laze all day listening to their tracks.

Glitterbug is pretty good too. Totally different from Magic Man's and  I won't deny that The Wombats' got their own color. Just the right type of indie I like. Check out Greek Tragedy and This Is Not A Party from the album. With Emoticons, those three are my favorites.

Passion Pit is a tough one to crack. I'm still not sure what sets them apart from the others, there is a subtle difference which I can't seem to identify. They are new to me, in a good way. I think I'll need to keep listening to ride their flow. Some good songs in Kindred: My Brother Taught Me How To Swim, Where The Sky Hangs and the one above. 

I would probably hold on to this playlist a little longer than I usually would. It's good music, and with exams coming my way it's a good thing I chanced upon these pieces of gold.

Till next time, love C.

Food stand

photo credits: Tumblr

Food is a very arguable topic, I must admit. Some people think eating too much of it, almost stuffing it in, is a disgrace. Some people think when it shows in your body and weight, it's a disgrace. Some people think it's an unhealthy lifestyle to devote oneself to food. Well here's my two cents.

Me and many people out there love food. It's that indescribable feeling when the flavors seep into your taste buds and all the sweet neurons and impulses snuggle up against your brain. Gently, yet so intense, they stay there and keep staying there.

I don't want to go on about how much I love my food. I don't think I have to.

I saw, on a certain television show, the members were debating whether eating food is a waste of time. First of all, food is never a waste of time. Healthily or otherwise, it is not a waste of time. Food is one of the crucial things we need to survive, so how can surviving be a waste of time? Yes, they can also mean eating and indulging too much food is a waste of time. I personally believe that eating is a way to enjoy and to de-stress. It is a very simple and often inexpensive way to top the cherry on the cake when the day ends.

I consider food to be one of the little things in life that brings me happiness. Some people nurtures a certain disinterest towards food because it affects their health, their physical appearance and the weight on the scale.

To be honest, I've been there. I was close to bulimia, I'm not kidding. A lot of people around me don't know this because I've always kept a happy mood around them. My good friends know, they think I'm insane. They kept talking me out of it and thanks to them, I'm really okay now. (and no I'm not going to write more about this, it's not something I'd like to talk about)

One huge lesson I learned from that part of my life: Balance is a powerful key.

I've learned to love fitness and I work out everyday. I know when to watch what I eat, and when to let go of myself. There are also healthy variations of your favorite food on the net, you just got to dig into it.

I don't think I can give up my love for food. I find healthy ways to balance out the calories I consume. It's a win-win situation.

Food is not a waste of time, nor is it a disgrace. Balance and self discipline can carry you a long way, and at the end of the day while you're munching on chicken wings, you'll realize it's not one bit of a bad thing.